Hee Haw Luck (published 9-3-2006)

Watching older shows on TV Land, etc., instead of the latest cookie-cutter, cardboard bilge offered by the networks, is a sad consequence of the degradation of society. For example, Mrs. Appalachian Irishman and I enjoyed watching Hee Haw reruns on CMT recently, which brings to mind the song line, “If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all. . . .”

“Where has the Appalachian Irishman been since June 12?” You might have asked. Well, Mr. Murphy struck this summer. After the wonderful birth of our niece in June, Mrs. Appalachian Irishman sought medical attention, ultimately requiring surgery. Thanks to the Good Lord, the surgery was successful. Mrs. Appalachian Irishman is recovering well, and she should be fully recovered in a few more weeks.

The Appalachian Irishman’s cooking has inspired his good wife to hasten her recovery time. Soup beans, instant mashed potatoes, and canned green beans have wonderful healing qualities!

Oh, also, the Appalachian Irishman managed to fracture a big toe in the midst of all this. Don’t, please don’t, ask me how he did it!

So, dear reader, I have returned! This is the first of six articles today. With the following five entries, this one had been churning inside me, along with the soup beans, for some time!

Garuba is a Fraud! (published 9-3-2006)

The following e-mail exchange doesn’t produce a clean copy, but I am posting it for the common good of all mankind. I have removed the personal references, except for Mr. Garuba’s e-mail address.

Section One is an e-mail from a friend, with Mr. Garuba’s message forwarded. Section Two is my humorous e-mail reply to my friend.

Beware of Mr. Garuba!

Section One

----- Original Message -----

From: <snip>
To: <snip>
Sent: Saturday, September 02, 2006, 9:35 AM
Subject: Assistance Needed on Matter of International Importance

Can someone help me, please?

I'm too busy to take all this money, but I really hate to see it go to waste. Please reply directly to Garuba, if you can provide assistance regarding this matter of utmost importance.

Thanks,

<snip>

Note: forwarded message attached.
______________________________
From: as_garuba_10@hotmail.fr
To: None
Sent: Saturday, September 02, 2006 4:50 AM
Subject: FROM/AS GARUBA
Newton & Associates
Chattered Accountants
6750 Strand Street,
covent Garden,
London,WC2E 7JSl
Email.

Attn.
I am Mr. as garuba, president of Newton & associates, a chattered accountant firm and united kindom appointed Tax manager. I am a member of Chattered institute of london and former President of Association of chattered accountants-london, 1995-2002. Part of my services includes management of clients fund, business funding, auditing, tax management, project financing etc.

My contacting you is based on this (BBCWEBSITE) http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm Just click and go through with your full attention. This website is a link to the victims of the Caribbean cruise organized by Deilmann on a Concorde Flight AF4590 that crashed into the Hotelissimo. I am not trying to make a journalistic reference here, but I want to present you everlasting business relationship that came as a result of this air crash.

Among the victims of the Monday, 31 July, 2000 air crash, is my biggest client Andreas Schranner, 64, a German property magnate his wife Maria, 62, their only daughter Andrea Eich, 38, her husband Christian, 57, and their children Katharina, eight, and Maximilian, 10, all perished in the jet. Just click.http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm.

Mr. Andreas Schranner is one of German biggest Estate Magnate. Before the air crash on Monday, 31 July, 2000, he signed an agreement with my firm in london to oversea his %40 capital investment base share with Natwest Bank london Limited. The share is his international investment objective valued at fifty four Million U.S dollars ($54.000.000.00) since 2000. On January 8th, 2006, my team of auditors was appointed to execute the annual auditing of the banks investment, shares, reinvestments, and profits. It became obvious that Mr. Andreas Schranner $54.000.000.00 has generated %75 interest.

Currently, Natwest bank london is calling my office for immediate presentation of Mr. Mr. Andreas Schranner next of kin for claims of the Mr. Andreas fortune. Since my client Mr. Andreas Schranner and his entire family died in the air crash, I wish to use my humble office to appoint and present you as the next of kin to Natwest Bank and assist in getting the fund transferred to you. Since the fund is my late client's hard earned fortune, it is one of my prerogatives to get the fund utilized. The fund has over stayed expandable servicing and if not claimed, the bank shall confiscate the fund. My Chattered account office is the sole manager of the fund $54.000.000.00 which has generated handsome profits which cannot be stated here. I cannot personally apply for the claims as the next of kin since Barclays Bank knows my office and personality. It shall be impossible for me to personally make the claims. All I need is your approval to accept the business transaction. You shall keep %50 of the total fund to yourself while you keep %50 for the office of Newton & Associates. The Bank through my declarations about you shall accept you as the next of kin to Mr. Andreas Schranner and make the transfer of the fund to you with all the interests acrrued from the capital base of $54.000.000.00.

All I need is your sincerity, trust and confidence. Do send also your
full details viz.
Full contacts............................
Occupation............................
Age................................
Postal Address............................

I wait to read from you urgently.

Thanks.

Mr. as garuba

pls you can call me 22676408234
__________________________________________________
MSN Hotmail sur i-modeT : envoyez et recevez des e-mails depuis votre téléphone portable ! http://www.msn.fr/hotmailimode/

Section Two

Dear <snip>,

Mr. Garuba is a fraud!

First, I was a member in good standing of the renowned Association of Chattered Accountants—London (not to be confused with the less well-known Association of Chartered Accountants—London) in the late 1990s. The esteemed Mr. Bob Cratchit served as president during that time, not a Mr. Garuba.

Second, this Mr. Garuba cannot be president of Newton & Associates, as the highly regarded Mr. Fig Newton is president.

Third, I returned recently from the summer conference of the Chattered Institute of London (again, not to be confused with the less respected Chartered Institute of London) and did not hear a Mr. Garuba's name called in attendance. Attendance is mandatory to retain your seat in the cigar and brandy parlor, so with Mr. Garuba's obvious taste for hard liquor, to which the esteemed Mr. Jack Daniels attests, he would have attended, if he existed.

Fourth, the tragedy of Air France Flight 4590 occurred on 25 July 2000, not on the 31st, as this Mr. Garuba asserts. A colleague from the Chattered Institute of London, Ms. Chicken Little, was one of the four individuals killed on the ground, as she looked upward, exclaiming, "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!"

Fifth, which this Mr. Garuba must be drinking, Andreas Schranner was certainly a big client, as he was 6' 2" and weighed 300 lbs., but he was not a German property magnate. Instead, Mr. Schranner was a peddler of magnetic car signs for insurance companies in the United States. He was not married, as he could not attract a mate. I know this, since he sold a magnetic car sign to a friend of mine.

Finally, as is commonly known, upon the death of Mr. Schranner (which occurred when he crashed through a coffee table while giving a motivational speech) and of any supposed beneficiaries that he may have had, his assets would have passed to his estate. Of course, his assets included only a van down by the river, in which he lived; a box of 100 count car magnets; and a sawed-off shotgun. In all, Mr. Schanner's estate was worth about $5,400.00. This Mr. Garuba must have carried the decimal point a bit too far.

Please, pass along this warning to your colleagues. The quality of the letter from Mr. Garuba could dupe many a professional person. Being aware of certain details as I am, however, I wished to pass along the above information for the greater good.

Best regards,

<snip>

Pay with Your Finger (published 9-3-2006)

After having joined half the county in hauling off trash yesterday morning, the Appalachian Irishman’s truck was down to an eighth of a tank. Fortunately, someone named “Current Resident,” who must have once lived at our address, had received in the mail a scratch-off $2.00 discount coupon from the benevolent people at Shell.

Well, that tank of gas cost the equivalent of $2.417 per gallon, instead of the posted $2.599, for a whopping 7% savings! With the joyous fumes of the gas discount wafting in my head, my fractured toe and I hobbled into the store to pay.

While making the transaction, I noticed a “Pay with Your Finger” advertisement. “What is this?” I asked the a-bit-too-bubbly clerk. She explained that Shell has formulated an optional plan, for now, by which you pay for purchases by inserting your index finger in a scanner.

Your index finger? Why didn’t Shell require the middle finger? Imagine the commercial, explaining the process! “Just fold your hand into a fist, then extend your middle finger vertically and insert it into the scanner.”

Let’s give Shell the finger by not giving it our finger! Mark it. This will bring out the beast if Shell tries to make this plan mandatory!

Gas Wars—the Missing 7% (published 9-3-2006)

Aha! I just discovered why Shell could offer $2.00 gas coupons!

I took the following shots on Father’s Day, June 18. Notice that the Shell price per gallon in Rutledge, Tennessee, is 7.5% higher than

  

 the Appco price in Rogersville, Tennessee!

   

I assume that the extra 0.5% went to administrative overhead! Seriously, how was a 21-cent per gallon difference possible, or justified? This confounds my one brain cell!

House Mountain—The Big Dig (published 9-3-2006)

Over five months ago, I extolled the beauty of My Mountain, House Mountain Park. Now that fall is here, counting from September 1, as the Russians do, I am eager to hit the mountain—after, of course, this busted toe heals.

On August 16, I decided to stop by the park entrance to see “your tax dollars at work.” As the above photograph shows, not much progress has been made toward spending that $250 million!

A contractor can build a house in five months or less. Why, then, does the government not have the parking lot paved, the bathrooms built, and the picnic tables set by now? And, again, why should these “improvements” cost $250 million? Once more, this is just too much for my one brain cell to understand!

House Mountain—Winterland (published 9-3-2006)

We had winter in East Tennessee last season. It came on two weekends, with snow on consecutive weekends in February.

Finally, after downloading them from my camera, here are a few shots from a winter wonderland on House Mountain! I took the photographs on 2/12/2006. Enjoy! I took more photographs, but this platform allowed only five for some reason.